My name is Doug. I’m 39 years old. And at this very moment I have 33,212 unread emails.
I also have 140 unread text messages, but that’s slightly more forgivable. Most of those are 2FA requests I only needed to read from the notification. They didn’t require clicking through. They’re still there, though. Nagging. Bright red on green, sitting at the bottom of my phone’s home screen.
I’ll clear them out. Eventually.
The emails, though? That’s a goddamn disaster. In the few minutes it’s taken me to write the first few lines of this story, I’ve gotten another one. Some of them, like the invoices and survey request from the company that just finished installing a new fence, are important. Others, like the four emails I’ve received from home goods company Oakywood since visiting their website today, not so much.
I can’t keep up. How can anyone keep up? Most of the time we get at least five or six emails from the same brand within a day: promo notifications, abandoned cart emails, reminders…it’s too much. That doesn’t even factor in the stuff that gets pushed immediately into the “promotions” inbox, where it sits unnoticed until being pushed up to the top by Gmail as an important item (only three days too late, natch). And then there’s the actual important stuff that comes through. Payment reminders and eStatements and invoices and…so many emails.
I hate email. I used to enjoy getting it, back when I had pen pals in seventh grade and a Canadian online girlfriend — I shit you not — that I used to log into AOL to flirt with for a few hours every night. Back when I had like four friends who had my address, and maybe even notifications for a new Facebook comment or tagged post. I could actually stand to get a new message.
Not anymore, though. Now it’s at least 15-20 emails an hour. I eventually turned off push notifications for my email app so I could get some work done once in a while, so often I was getting interrupted. I’ve tried so many tips and tricks and tools to make it manageable; Unsubscribe apps, quickly reading and deleting as soon as things come in, and regularly archiving stuff by subject and/or sender.
It never works.
My work email is just as bad, if not worse. Jumbled among important announcements, you’ll find automated messages from Google alerting me to denied or approved paid ads; ads I didn’t write and don’t manage, but that I get notifications for because that’s just how being added to a client’s alias works. And because it’s in Microsoft Outlook, managing those emails is even more arduous. So I don’t.
Someone will ask if I saw an email from a client, and I shrug. How could I? It was wedged between two notifications about PTO, because Microsoft doesn’t see fit to just block off people’s calendars when they’re going on vacation. Instead, you have to alert others that you’ll be gone.
I once read a post from someone about the concept of “email bankruptcy,” which is where a person who is about to go on vacation (or just returning from one) clears out their inbox in one fell swoop. Everything gets deleted, and I mean everything. Jesus, the guts it takes to do that. Do you know how strong you’d have to be to just assume anyone with an important issue will reach out again? The confidence that you’ve addressed every outstanding issue?
Well, I do. Because I do that shit all the fucking time.
If it’s the first day of a new month, we’re back to “Inbox Zero,” baby. No messages whatsoever. Read and delete. Archive. Keep if it’s something important, like client notes. I play FMK with my inbox at least once every few weeks, and it’s exhilarating.
This is a mea culpa, I guess. I’m so sorry. If there was something important you needed me to see, you probably should’ve texted me. Maybe even send a Slack or Teams message. Sent up a flare in the middle of the night, I guess.
Just don’t do it over email, because I won’t see it.
Because it’s buried under 33,213 other messages.
What I’m Reading
Been a minute since I’ve done one of these, but here we go.
- Supergirl: Woman of Tomorrow by Tom King and Bilquis Evely: We went to see Superman last weekend and it was really good, and I hope I’m not ruining anything by mentioning this one. Milly Alcock’s cameo near the end of the film is fucking hilarious. Because next year’s Supergirl is based on this book, I decided to pick it up and give it a read. I’m not that far in, but the art and writing has been gorgeous so far. A pretty strong endorsement for reading more comics, too.
- A Farewell to Arms, Ernest Hemingway: I threw this one on my Kindle in an attempt to read more before bed, but I’ll be honest and say that I’ve turned my pages by reading it on my phone while otherwise occupied. I have a hard copy downstairs in my office, but I’ve honestly found that it’s easier to focus more with eBooks now. Not that far into it, and reading so sporadically means I’m kind of disconnected from the plot.
What I’m Listening To
A couple of nights ago, my son was showering with the bathroom door open and singing “HOT TO GO!” at the top of his fucking lungs, but for a brief few moments he slipped into singing the chorus of APT by ROSÉ and Bruno Mars, and so I’ve been listening to that record on repeat.
A reminder…
Did you know I’m available for consulting and freelance work? I love to write, and especially for clients. I charge $400 per blog post, which might seem like a lot but I’m a professional who knows how to do my job well. I also have an addiction to athleisure fits. But it’s mainly that I’m a professional.